– Reflections –
In the domain of my lover, leaned against the bedroom wall, there sits a very large mirror. Each time I enter his chamber I see it there, resting casually, simply yet heavily framed with a deep black wood.
My relationship with mirrors has always been a tenuous one. The mirror is a window to the soul; a portal beyond the self into the world behind, where we are shown the truthful reflections of what we are, what our true self desires to be perceived as. My inner self is so vast. My mind is so much more than my body can contain. And due to my difficult past, my self image is not always a pleasant one.
When I look too deeply into myself, I feel an absence, a sense of self apathy, an emptiness to the quality of my character. I see a blank face with empty eyes, always something hidden there. I am too terrified to see my naked soul naked revealed, without the dressings and protections of the external narratives I use as a shield.
I am afraid that beneath all of my beautiful illusions of altruism, I am cruel and my soul is ugly. I am afraid that I am irredeemable of my crimes against humanity. I am afraid that if all of my past moments are changed into something new, something beautiful, then what I was before will no longer exist.
On one of our rendezvous, my lover and I decided to make love in front of that grand mirror. I had wanted to, had needed to for a long time. But it took careful preparation of my spirit, proper processing of my mind for me to grow completely comfortable with performing the act in self reflection.
The act of placing myself into this reflection, in this moment, is the most difficult thing I have ever done. If I am uncertain of my inner self, I will falter. If I do not have a place to channel my incorporeal being, I fear will expand too far beyond the boundary of my human flesh; I will dissipate and disappear. I need a point of grounding, a vessel for my mind to inhabit when it becomes too big for my body to contain.
And although there is that certain kind of shame in my pleasure which creeps at me in this moment, as I choose to see myself reflected in this sexual state, I challenge that fear, that pain, that injured thing which hides inside of me, so quiet and subservient to the damage done to me. I can see now that there is such a vast difference between how I see myself, and how I am seen by my lover. And so I look into the mirror. And for the first time, I truly see me looking back at me. I see beyond the reflected self. I see the simplicity of a feeling human girl, and for that moment, I allow her to feel all the pleasures that I have denied her.
How generous my lover is in this guidance to me; He makes me go there, into that depth of myself. He forces me to see truthful self. He makes me look at that wavering reflection in his mirror, makes me watch myself being watched by him, makes me look at my body in the throes of our pleasure; He makes me look inside my heart as I open it for him, and the reflection of us together is beautiful.